For Those I love I will Sacrifice

Sitting down and writing a blog post isn’t always easy. Its like working out or going to the library. I know it will do me good overall, and while doing the task, I don’t mind doing. Then why is it hard for me to sit down and write what I think? or what I’ve experienced? or things I am passionate about? I always wonder what my poetry would look like, or music would sound like, or even a book would be about, if I only took the time to sit down and perform the necessary steps to arrive at my end goal. Although, there is quite a few errors in my rough drafts , because I am a poor spellers, I do think I’m a interesting writer to read. I enjoy the hobby of writing but it also stresses me out. Writing takes a lot of forethought, thinking, planning, and executing on my part. I was not good at the executing part. Experts say it takes 21 days or 7 times to do something to make it a habit, and I’m guessing even longer to make that action a second nature habit. I have given myself the whole month of November to improve my content output. The number one thing is consistency, so that’s the first thing I am tackling, which also is going to be hardest.; making myself stick to a schedule and do what I promised myself I would do. although it isn’t paying off now, it will down the road. I know it . So here, I am Monday morning hammer away at the keyboard. Writing about everything, but what I came here to write this blog post about. This blog post is about how I joined the U.S. Army, a few reasons for joining the military, and reasons for separating from the Army.

I joined the Minnesota National Guard April, 9th of 2009. I was a senior in high school, and only Seventeen, but I was ready to take a chance for a fresh start. The life I was living made me extremely unhappy. Some of which was my doing, and other aspects were out of my hands. I was truly unhappy with every aspect of my life, and felt worthless. I wanted to escape who I was, and who everyone thought they knew me to be.  The few things I did show interest in I was mocked for, or look down upon. I was going through one of my first major depressive episodes in my life, and without even realizing it. I think this happens for many of us with depression. It’s hard to pin point when the illness first infected my body; Usually because when I was first sick with depression, I convinced myself otherwise. I spent much of my junior/senior summer working two jobs and partying quite hard for a Seventeen year old. By this age, I had experimented a short list of illegal drugs, but my favorite was Cannabis. My senior year I receded quite far into myself, I only involved myself in things I truly enjoyed; which was art, music, photography, and reading. None of which were cool nor made me any friends. Living in a town of 4,000 and my graduating class was 54 students total, my options for friend groups were limited. I struggled for a while, by being a loner, but that just fed my depression. I was the typical teenage with tons angst, running around feeling way too misunderstood. In school I expected the bullying for the students. It almost felt good, every once in a while, to fight with a random student about how fucked up they were for judging me by my clothes, interests, or some other random point I was trying to make. My favorite phrases were “ you don’t know me, and you don’t know the shit I been through to be here” I never let anyone understand me because I never let anyone in. I had a relationship my senior year that really helped keep the suicidal thoughts at bay, but when that blew up in my face, I felt like I had nothing and no one. I was so sick of everyone thinking they had me figured out. I was sick of being squished into some nice square box of traits. To my peers I was the pothead, a loser, the fuck up, the ‘she could be pretty if she just tried’. To my boss I was her high school hero, because I would pick up extra shifts. To the teachers I was the trouble maker.  The one who caused problems by contradicting them, often cursing, and reading random books in class. I never got great grades in high school, and I know many teachers thought I was dim-witted. I always expected the students to bully me, but what came as the biggest blow to my self-esteem was the teachers that bullied me. I ,vividly, remember one teacher telling me to “shut up because I was stupid”  in front of the whole class. I got so red, my ears got hot, and the rest of the day I truly felt completely worthless. I don’t think she ever understood what one sentence could do to a teenage. I’m not stating all the teacher in my school acted this way towards me, my art teacher was my savor. He gave me a place to express myself and be me. He was amazing, and I think one of the reasons I pushed through my senior year. I joined the Minnesota National Guard for many MANY many reasons, some are way more personal than this reason. The way I was treated at school still played a huge favor in my decision. I was seventeen years old and I felt completely, and utterly alone. I felt completely worthless, and I was sick of people calling me names for liking things they didn’t. I joined to prove them wrong, to prove myself wrong. I was completely unsure I was going to make it through basic training, but I did. I made myself proud more than anything, and no one can take that from me. I am thankful for many things the Army has taught me, but one of my favorite lessons was to be proud in the work I had accomplished. I ALWAYS wanted to remain humble, but I always learned to give myself credit where credit is due. I joined the National guard for 6 years as a 92Foxtrot . I didn’t receive any bonuses for signing up and no one attended me swearing-in. It was a solitary moment where I could feel the magnitude of my decision. I love Army, and everything that came with it, but my spirit and soul beat to quite a different drumline; The two just didn’t mesh with the strict lifestyle that was the military. I was able to adjust quite well to the military lifestyle, and I actually exceeded in few key areas in the Military.

I finished up basic training and jumped right into a deployment. I was deployed 2011 to 2012. I spent my 20th birthday on a deployment. That year was the year I learned so very much about myself, and who I was as a person. It helped shape my world view and perspective on life.

I Decided not to extend my 6 year contract, and that was one of the most difficult decision I have ever made. I found an environment that I flourished at making friends, and gave me the sense of family I had always craved. The stability of a paycheck gave me the ability to be independent and take care of myself. Part of me always knew that who I truly was didn’t mesh with the strict rules that I had to adhere within the Army. I separated from the U.S. Army as an E5- Sergeant in April of 2015, and I still wonder where I would be if I had stayed in the Army. I miss the bond and sense of family that the Army provided me. It is the type of bond that I can’t tell you about or write down for you. Its something I feel deep down in my bones and heart. It makes me get all choked up thinking about the love and admiration I have for my brothers and sisters in arms. And that is thee BEST gift the Army has ever given me. I can’t ever repay that type of favor, because, when I felt so utter alone they gave me a family that welcomed me with open arms. In a time in my life, when hopeless and worthless was all I felt, the Army gave me a purpose and hope. I was a good fucking solider and I know it. I always felt a strong sense of purpose to protect my family, because for those I love I will always sacrifice.

The day I flew to Kuwait, Banager Maine

2 Comments

  1. Alex

    Wow, fantastic weblog structure! How long have you ever been running a blog for? you made running a blog look easy. The entire look of your site is magnificent, let alone the content!

    Liked by 1 person

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