I feel good. almost boarding on the feeling of normalcy…. until I don’t anymore. I fall but I don’t realize my decent at first. It comes on so slow, like the creeping change of summer to winter. I still don’t even notice the very first signs, because they’re so sublte and tiny.
When I do finally notice the shift in the winds, and that change coming over my me, I try fight it by ignoring it, hoping by not giving my evil thoughts and ideas attention they will just go away. This method has never worked for me. I am not quite sure why I shared it, maybe so you don’t make the same mistake.
Depression isn’t an enemy I want to turn my cheek too, but I do, all the time. I switch up my method to fight my mind. I try mediation, painting, reading, writing, running, anything that helps my creativity to blossom and brings joy forward. But like a strange black hole, depressions sucks all ability to find interest in anything. I can’t describe this feeling any better than putting a color to the feeling, Grey.
It becomes too easy for me to hide away, and let the horrible demons of depression take over. So I pop some pills, like the doctors, family members, and even commercials tell me to do, but this has brought little relief to quell the rage of my depression.
At this point I get so exhausted with fighting. I realize none of my tactics have worked, and I give up. I recede into myself and run for cover. My depression begins by counting all my failures, I relive every painful memory I have ever been through, on a painful loop on my head. I start to believe that I don’t deserve anything but pain and suffering, I start to believe the horrible things bouncing around inside my head.
Depression seeps into my veins like a black-tar virus, making it impossible to begin a regimented solution to redding myself of this hideous disease. I don’t know where to start, or how to go about it.
Every time I start to hint at an eviction notice, my depression throws a raging party and invite all his friends, panic, anxiety, both twins last name attacks, night terrors, racing thoughts, paranoia, nausea, agitation, anger, self loathing. The extensive list of invites goes on, but one thing they all have in common, they want to control me, and some even want to destroy me. I have followed down this path many times over the past ten years, and it only leads to one place.
A dead end, the end of the line, the final act, death, how ever I call it, it all leads to the enviable dead of myself, either by my own hands or by the doing of my own mind.
See Depression never intents to live in happy harmony with me. It’s an negative energy that takes, takes, takes, till there is no more let to take, and then it moves onto another victim. Inevitable another ‘giver’ who lacks the ability to say no. Depression isn’t going to give me anything in return for all that its taken from me. It is just a mindless vacuum of negative energy that knows only how to take, and never to give back. Its a horrible relationship to find myself in, and lots of days I let it call the shots rather than me, but the winds of change are coming.
You see I have been the road that Depression wants to go down, hell I’ve even made it to the dead end and knocked around for a while down there.It isn’t a safe place, teetering that close between life and death. But in the depths of my journey to self destruction I realized that I couldn’t give up on me. It’s just not in my blood. I’ve always been fighter, a warrior, and defender of the weak, and unable; but here I was feeding myself to my own wolf, without so much as a fight. So I’ve pushed back, and I keep pushing back. I am reminded often of my failures, and how easy it would be to not fight the destruction of me. But I still find myself imagining a new person with the broken pieces my mind tells me are useless. I can see the beautiful reflection of my new self in them, bruise, battered, with many scares, but alive for the first time…. in Years.