Stoop kid don’t want to leave the stoop

It has been over a year and a half.

Since I have made any connection to my old life, to my old friends, to the old me. I have become the stoop kid off my favorite childhood TV show ‘Hey Arnold’ in a sense. I enjoy being home alone all the time, but I wasn’t always like this.

.

I never use to be like this, actually quite the opposite. I use to crave human presence, and I needed daily social interaction. Growing up I became dependent on my social life to keep myself busy. I hated being alone for any amount of time. I filled any slot of time I had with some activity with a friend. I never cared what the activity was as long as I wasn’t alone.

.

I was afraid. I was afraid of loneliness, of the silence, of myself, and my own thoughts. I was never a friend to myself. Being alone with myself  was often a terrifying and horrible experience because I hated myself. I use to call the voice in my head my own personal drill sergeant.

.

I spent my much of my teens and twenties doing whatever included me with my friends. This always included drinking. I was the ‘good time charlie’, I was that friend always willing to have ‘a few’ so I didn’t have to be alone. I honestly don’t remember spending much time doing activites I truly enjoyed.  I spend much of my time working to spend my money in ways that help me forget my life. Its was a sad vicious cycle.

.

I am coming out of this past year and a half with a better understanding of myself.  I finally have a healthy relationship with me.  I am still working through my mental health issues. I find myself falling into old traps from time to time, but I pick myself up, dust myself off, and forgive myself because I have an even better understand of myself than I did before this failure. My failures teach me the most valuable lesson of life. This new found relationship with myself has brought about new hobbies, pleasures, and passions into my life. It has led me to leave others behind. I no longer feel the want or urge to get black out drunk, or plastered, or wasted, or intoxicated anymore. I don’t feel the desire to even drink at bars or social gatherings centered around drinking. I have found new healthy hobbies that I love, and enjoy.

.

I am afraid that these new found interests, hobbies, and attributes of myself will not be well received when entering back into my old life. I am afraid that I will eventually bend and/or cracks to social pressures, and my strong urge to be liked. So instead of making any progress of morphing or blending these two lives, I just sit on my stoop and smoke a joint.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s