A Cleanse, A detox, trying to bring life back to the basics, the bare essentials. cleaning house, removing the cutter, but not willingly. The universe was forcing this upon me.
My October has been a series of life events that have brought me to my current situation; sitting in new house, in a new room, on a new bed, with a new circle of comfort & support to surround me. I am forever incredibly grateful to universe for it to grant me this support system.
Struggle is a drastic under statement to describe my life. I was drowning in a toxic sea of my own doing. I had concocted a nasty mixture consisting of self hatred, grief, pity, remorse, regret, stress, anger, and anxiety. Then I decided to go swimming in the mess I had created. Ive been barely floating by, barely skimming the surface while doing the back flow, and making it appear seamless. Then, finally I let myself slip under the disgusting green sea of sludge I am swimming in. I breathe it into my lungs, letting it infect every inch of my body and mind .
I loath talking about my downfalls, my set backs, my cltr-alt-delete moments of my life, it makes me feel itchy and squirmy in my own skin. I realize though by analyzing each and every one of my breakdowns, I find a gem amongst the clutter of remains. It is at the metaphorical estate sale that is my life that I find these valuable gems. This gem can be one or many or be completely by itself, but I have found they’re all very valuable lessons to be taken seriously.
My life before October was a ticking time bomb of emotional neglect, toxic environments , and living in a constant state of stress & anxiety. This ass ripping blow out I recently experienced was cosmically preordain to happen, no matter how hard I tried to fight it. And man did I try to fight this breakdown, with everything thing I could throw at the universe.
I forced the universe’s hand, and made it take everything from me. This was to help in the recovery process in unearthing my true sense of self. I wanted so badly to stop feeling all this pain, to stop being so misunderstood. I kept these feelings locked in a pressure cooker till they exploded inside of me. The desperation finally made me break and I finally screamed out in pain for help.
Help came. It came in the form of
being admitted into an impatient treatment center at Avera hospital Adult Behavior Health Facility.
This was my striping ceremony, where I was force to give up all control to the universe, to stop, and just listen. At first I didn’t like was I hearing, the lessons were familiar, and I fought the lesson like I had before.
I didn’t want the gift the universe was offering me, I thought It was crap. I wanted this dream life the universe had in store for me; a life unattached from the pain, suffering, anxiety, stress and self doubt I had come to know, but I didn’t want to go through the course material to obtain the knowledge I needed to understand the point of my life. This lesson I was sent from the cosmic universe was unlike anything I had been taught before, and it contradicted some core concepts and methods intrenched in me from early childhood. I didn’t want most of use do when our core believes are being questioned, I fought back. I was unsuccessful, and I submitted to the fact that I needed to change myself at the core to achieve peace.
I never gave up because I had always been given up on. Even when giving up was the only way to save myself, I would rather fight. I’ve struggled most of my life with a sense of abandonment most of my life, and I came to this realization with the help of a therapist, while in Adult Behavioral Health Unit B.
I struggle showing myself any grace, humility, or sympathy because of a intrenched concept that I was taught; that these feelings should only be applied to other but never oneself. I was tough, strike, and forceful with myself. I become frustrated often with myself because all of my natural instincts led me down a path of dreams, wonder, enchantment.. These ideas and concepts greatly lacked In my immediate reality.
I fought, I kicked, I screamed, I cried, I denied the lesson. I tried to bargain, and reason. I even tried to mislead the universe, but finally I yielded, because ultimately I wanted for the intense pain I was in to stop and, to hopefully feel well enough again someday to chase my dreams again.
I saw all the time, effort, and energy the universe was giving to my broken, battered, bruised soul, and I decided to do what it was simply asking of me. Then suddenly but not all at once, it dawned on me, like the slow sunrise of my life coming to light. I decided to stripe back and get shed all the pieces of my life down to my bare bones. I bathed and baptized myself with the knowledge the universe was granting me, that I must stand on my own. By myself, for once in my life. I needed to stand on my own two feet for the first time in my life and embraced what the universe was willing to offer me and only me.
I have a long road ahead of me filled with many stops and places of transition and transformation. As I look back at my life this past month I realize that I’m finally at a place where I can start sharing myself and my gifts with the world again. I am in a new room, in a new house, surrounded by a new support system, with a new state of mind, completely alone, but not at the same time. Because I have MinnestonerGirl.
So hello world, I am MinnestonerGirl.
I love MaryJane, Make-up, Mindfulness, Mother Nature, Meditation, and Mantras. I’m a Mental Health advocate manifesting my wildest dreams into my reality. I am a White Witch that believes in My Magic.