Transforming

✨Change is enviable, but transformation is a conscious choice✨

🌟I can’t remember a time in my life that I actually loved who I was, besides my childhood. By the time I reached adulthood I was an unhealthy, lazy, pessimistic, envious, overweight, utterly cynical, boozehound of a human being. I drank a lot, I RARELY exercised, I was a carnivore, and I smoked about a pack of cigarettes a day.  I was lazy, and I knew it, and I hated myself for it. The universe was quite displeased with the way I was using the potential it had instilled in me, and with a couple MAJOR life altering curve balls I was forced to stop and really reflect upon myself. I wanted to transform myself into a new person, or die trying. I wanted to be the type of person that loved every inch of their body, mind, and soul.

🌟My transformation can be seen externally, and this makes me BEYOND proud of myself, but the TRUE life transformation took place in my mind. I have struggled with my mental health all my life. I grew up in a lot of uncertainty and this made me a very anxious depressed adult. At 25 I was stopped dead in  my tracks of my path as the universe took someone from me I never ever expected to lose. The loss shattered me as a whole, body, heart, and soul. The death took with it every coping skill I had acquired throughout my life. I was stripped bare, naked, alone, lost, afraid, and unsure of anything anymore. I found dark places, and grappled with permanent decisions. I realized something in the depths of my grief, that if I was going to continue on and live my life, I was going to LOVE the person I was. Since January 2016 my life has been a series of life shattering events, but I have been slowly and diligently working on piece ME back together. A NEW ME. It wasn’t easy because I didn’t know where to start. I have failed a lot, and tripped and fell many times, but I have always gotten back up. It’s been much slower than I anticipated, but completely worth it. This is MY TRANSFORMATION because of CHANGE.

⚡️In 2015 I was utterly upset with who I had become. I fixated on my physical appearance, picking myself apart constantly, and cutting myself down. I was also so emotionally out of touch with myself, I worried more about what others thought of me than what was actual truth. I was coming to regret many of my decisions in my life and how I was spending my time as a young adult. I drank ALL the time, every activity I involved myself with centered around drinking or being at a bar. I felt like I had wasted a good chunk of valuable time I would never get back, and I didn’t want too waste anymore of my time. So I set to work on me. I wanted to change everything, my physical appearance, my mental state, my emotional relationship with me, and how I interacted with the universe. I wanted to revamp how I spent every second of my life to suit me. Let me tell you, it twas not an easy endeavor, because I am an empath, and care very deeply about what others think and feel. But I wanted to be happy. And the girl in 2015 was NOT happy.

⚡️In 2016 My transformation can be seen externally, and this makes me BEYOND proud of myself, but the TRUE life transformation took place in my mind. I have struggled with my mental health all my life. I grew up in a lot of uncertainty and this made me a very anxious depressed adult. At 25 I was stopped dead in  my tracks of my path as the universe took someone from me I never ever expected to lose. The loss shattered me as a whole, body, heart, and soul. The death took with it every coping skill I had acquired throughout my life. I was stripped bare, naked, alone, lost, afraid, and unsure of anything anymore. I found dark places, and grappled with permanent decisions. I realized something in the depths of my grief, that if I was going to continue on and live my life, I was going to LOVE the person I was. Since January 2016 my life has been a series of life shattering events, but I have been slowly and diligently working on piece ME back together. A NEW ME. It wasn’t easy because I didn’t know where to start. I have failed a lot, and tripped and fell many times, but I have always gotten back up. It’s been much slower than I anticipated, but completely worth it.

The grief of this loss fueled my obsession with exercise and fitness.

I really struggled in 2016 to nourish my body properly, and I struggled to keep weight on.

I learned in 2016 to listen to my body, and feed it GOOD 🌱plant based foods🌱.

⚡️In 2017 I finally cracked under the weight of my emotional state, and my inability to control my drinking. I realized I couldn’t have a clear healthy mental state of mind if I was consuming alcohol. I really took the proper time to tend to my deteriorating mental health. I finally asked for help from the VA. Since I stepped into the VA Hospital, A team of doctors and myself have been dedicated to teasing out my mental health issues. The process has taken me ALOT longer then I anticipated. I wanted to relearn every inch of mind, and understand what made my demons tick. I started understanding that not tending to my mental and emotional health for so many years was the reason I was having issues with loving me and the people in my life. In 2017 I cut off all ties to my old life, and stopped communicating with most of my immediate friends and family. I felt like I had to hide myself away to tend to myself properly. As I worked through these issues, I stopped hating myself so much, and I started to miss genuine human interaction. So I decided to start documenting the new person I was, and in July of 2017 I started MinnestonerGirl.

⚡️As 2018 starts it’s tailspin into the finally days of the year I realize that my journey to finally understanding myself is coming to an end, but the journey to loving myself is just beginning. I am excited, and hopeful, but mostly full of optimism. This is just the beginning for me, and I realize now more than ever how much my validity means to me. 2018 was the year of learning to understand me, and I can honestly say it has been my most beautiful journey of TRANSFORMATION yet✨.

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