Transforming on a Tuesday

I joined the Army for a variety of reasons but my main reason was to run away. I wanted to run away from the life I was given, and my truth deep down in my soul. The more I denied myself the opportunity to chase my dreams, the more unhappy I became with the life I was living. I stopped caring about about my looks, or how much weighted I gained. I became a glutton of life at the ripe age of 19, and it was all by my own doing. Life had more in store for me than the path I had chosen. At 25 years old I experienced a life altered event that would shatter the false sense of reality I had around me, and altered the trajectory of my life forever. I was forced to think my way out of the adversity I had found myself in, and untangle the web of issues I had let over take my mind. The journey became a transformation, but the date of the switch is still unknown.

I didn’t take charge of my life, I let everyone tell me what to do and where to be. I joined the Army at 17 years old. b I didn’t know what I wanted to be when I “grew up”, and I thought serving my country was a good use of my time while I figured me out. I acquired so much useful knowledge and life experience from the Army. I experienced more in my 27 years of life than most will ever experience in a 100 years of living. I lived in a variety of states, interacted with people from all walks of life. I spend my 20th birthday in a war zone. I learned how strong I was, I learned how to work with anyone, I learned to be assertive, and honorable, and attentive. Most of all I left the Army with a strong sense of right and wrong. My moral compass was really shaped during my time in the service, as well as my whole view. I learned that my life’s mission was not meant to serve this country, although selfless services will always be a main ingredient in my soul.

When I separated from the Army I didn’t have a clue who I was. I had always connected my identity to the Army. I left lost, helpless, scared, almost frantic. I grasped for anything from my past to use as mask from my temporary identity. Instead of looking inward, I turned to outside sources for help. I let my family and friends dictate what I did, what I liked, and how I spend my tme. I never made any decision for myself, I kept myself opinions quite so to please the people in my life.

Then life threw a curve ball at me when I wasn’t ready, and the sucker knocked me to the ground and I gasped for air. I couldn’t breathe, for years, I felt like I was holding my breathe. I treaded water, just barely staying above the surface, weighted down by my depression, anxiety, panic, fear, rage. They pulled me downward into the dark abyss . Just as I thought I was about to die, I inhaled, and realized that I was suppose to save myself.

No one was going to be my hero because I am suppose to be the heroine.

I started to breathe again, and I realized I could spit fire. This time I was living life for me.

I started cultivating my taste, my likes, interests, hobbies, routines, as well as my health and wellness after my separation from service. I had given up on being healthy while I was serving in the Army, because I somehow thought being in the Army made me healthy automatically. I realize that my healthy and wellness aren’t a destination to finally arrive at, but rather a process that is when to be enjoyed throughout its entirety. I am not where I want to be, but I am damn proud of where I am presently.

It took me a while to stop feeling ashamed or embarrassed for liking the things I did. I enjoyed smoking cannabis, but had all theses stigmas surrounding the plant. I have learned that most of these stigmas are just limiting beliefs instilled in me hold me back from my true potential. Here are the facts; since I started smoking weed I’ve managed to cultivate an active, adventurous lifestyle. Since I started smoking I became my own cook, and I started experimenting with my diet, and have become passionate about plant based living. Since i’ve started smoking mary jane daily I have been able to get into a keep a consistent, healthy workout routine. Since I’ve started smoking cannabis, i’ve been able to tap into my own thoughts and emotions, and I’ve come to understand myself better. The truth is Cannabis has only enhanced my life in so many ways. I find it hard to even relate to my old worldview on this plant.

I learned the hard and painful way to let go relationship that no longer served me or aligned with my new found truth. I can’t force anyone to fit into my life. But letting go of what doesn’t serve me has made room for new opportunities. When I finally separated from the Army I gave myself the opportunity to peruse my passions. Through this whole process came about MinnestonerGril.

Transformations don’t happen over night, or in a week, or even a month. Transformations come from consistently choosing you and your truth and letting it ring true for all to hear. Stop feeling ashamed, inadequate, embarrassed, dumb, or sheepish. Stop comparing yourself to everyone else, and stop watching people that make you feel little. Focus on you and I promise this type of attention will spark a transformation you will be proud of.

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