It occurred to me this week that I’ve finally stepped into this role I’ve been creating for myself.
Ten months ago, I hit critical mass, and broke at the weight of my inability to deal with my mental health. I had fallen silent, quiet, mute. I wouldn’t tell anyone what I really wanted. I thought I knew what I wanted, but honestly, what I thought I wanted was just the ideas of everyone else around me. I was trying to please everyone but myself. I was the biggest people pleaser I knew, and it made me an incredibly unhappy human.
I decided to make a list of everything I wanted to be. A list of traits, characteristics, and morals that I wanted to embody. I wrote out a story, and in that story I wrote about the woman I wanted to become.
She was strong, sweet, honest, sincere, reliable, loyal, respectful, kind, responsible, resilient, passionate, and over flowing with all the things that made her feel alive.
While creating this beautiful narrative by which to live by, I also made the decision to only pursue activities, events, people, and ideals that aligned with this woman I was going to become. This step sounds way easier than it is to implement. It required me to constantly check in within myself and ask “does this serve the woman I want to be, and the future I’m trying to create” ?
I’ve worked so so hard at myself in this past ten months. I’ve learned a value lesson, how to say no to myself, and also to others. I curated her ten months ago, and then I’ve worked relentlessly to become her. I was tired a lot of times, and thought about giving up, but I persevered through the pain. I wanted to be the heroine of my life, and save myself, and that’s exactly what I did.
I spent months of tedious work on my routines, habits, and goals. I pushed myself to leave behind anything that wasn’t going to serve this new woman I was carving out of stone. I welcomed in a whole new set of habits, routines, and goals. I showed myself tons of grace. I allowed for set backs, detours, and reworking of my plans, but wouldn’t allow myself to give up.
I didn’t compromise for what I want or what I stood for, even if that meant rearranging the people closest to me. I’ve made some difficult decisions along this road to self discovery, and painful unexpected departures have happened. But I always remind myself to push forward. I have put my faith in this future of my mine, and I also know that nature abhors a vacuum. Once something is removed from my life, no matter how painful it may be ripped away, something new will inevitably take it’s place, and it’s my job to tend to my garden diligently.
I’ve come to understand that time is the essence of this life. Everything takes time, and nothing good happens over night. Life is a process, and I must stop trying to rush to the finish line. Stop rushing, and start practicing patience. Learn to enjoy the journey. I’ve also come to understand that time is the one great un-renewable resource to us all. I am only allotted so much time, so I won’t waste it on anything that doesn’t serve my purpose and passion in this life.
This past week, It has finally occurred to me that I’m embodying the woman I’ve worked so hard to become. I am proud of all the choices I’ve made to finally get here, because they’ve all involved putting myself first for a change. Each day, I’m learning a new found application to putting myself first, and I realize that this kind of self love benefits everyone around me. I’m able to give my best self to those around me, and that’s one thing that will always make me happy and joyous. So do everyone else a favor, and start choosing you.